Last night, once again, I programmed Goddess Isis (for past life work), Pluto (God of Wealth) and Lakshmi (Goddess of Wealth) to work with me in my dreams for the specific person of freeing me of my feelings of being deprived as a child, which effects me as an adult. I also asked that if there was a past life, to help me see this past life of feeling deprived, so it could be healed.


Apparently, Isis has chosen to work with me in this lifetime, and not in past lifetimes (at least not right now). My dream had to do with a wedding dress, which I was wearing throughout my dreams. There were options like buttons I could push to choose what I want. I was not alone in pushing these buttons.  Words were written on the buttons for what they were for. I do not remember what each button was for. I could, however, control and manipulate the buttons. I would go to where people were asleep, and right outside their room, I would be pushing the buttons. At times, I knew I was too loud. I do not feel alone in pushing these buttons in my dream. Some friends of mine, H and D, were asleep in their bed, and for some reason, I am trying to push the buttons outside their bedroom, and in the process I (we) woke them up. We were going to push more buttons, but someone died; so we decided to leave them alone.


When I think about the buttons, I am taken back into my  childhood to my father. He married my mom when I was six, and he adopted my brother and me.  When I was 12, I found out he was not my real father. I emotionally pushed him away, and after that throughout my childhood and adult life I felt like he was in the way. I NEVER let him in. I felt like I had no choices when it came to him, and he certainly knew how to push my buttons. He somehow managed to push them all the time. If I  went to bed leaving  the hall light on, I  would be awakened by him turning on my bedroom light. He would then stand there making noises until I would wake up. The truth is that I was afraid of the dark, and I still am; which is why I left the hall light on. I never shared that piece of information with him; and to this day, I have to sleep with a light on somewhere in the house. I always felt like he was in the way.

I felt deprived of my biological father. I was angry, because my father who adopted us was in the way of my real father coming back. I deprived myself of my adoptive father’s love. I married at 19, because I felt l had to get away from both him and my mother. I divorced at 21.

The wedding dress and being at the wheel reminds me of my wedding, which I had no control over. My parents went to a bargain basement sale and got me a dress.  It did not matter whether I liked it or not, which I didn’t. The wedding was at a Smorgesboard Restaurant in Anaheim. I could not invite any of my friends. Just as I felt trapped in the house with my father, was how I felt when I was married to my ex husband. I have deprived myself of remarrying, because I am afraid of being controlled and feeling trapped.

My middle class parents were quite frugal, and they really never spent money on us or even themselves.  I  felt deprived of beautiful new things. We mostly got hand me downs.  I never even went to a restaurant until I was 18 years old when I met my ex husband.  Later on in our lives, we received the benefits of their frugality, which I am very grateful for; however, the emotional damage in my thought process of feeling deprived was instilled from childhood. I have never been frugal, because being frugal gives me a feeling of being deprived. If I knew now what I knew them, I would have made better choices.


In my  next dream scenerio, I was lucid dreaming. It was right before I woke up.  I look inside a purse, and I see myself in a beautiful wedding dress with me at helm of the wheel of a car, and either I am driving or I am about to drive.


Me lucid dreaming in a beautiful wedding dress at the helm of the wheel is how it should have been; and through this lucid dream, I am taking my power back and taking control of all aspects of my life. I refuse to live by anyone else’s choices but my own.

The buttons, if  I look at it another way, represent the choices we make in our lives, and it is showing me that I can change the choices I have made in my life that have left me feeling deprived. It is as easy as pushing a button. Now I have to find the right buttons to push.

To be continued….