I have decided to share part s of my childhood with you, so that you will understand the ever evolving love journey that I have been on, and so perhaps these little parts of me that I am sharing can help you to evolve and grow as well. My biological father disappeared (never to be seen or heard from again) when I was 2 years old and my brother was 6 months old leaving my mother with the struggle to raise us alone. I stopped feeling the nurturing and love from my mom. Her way of loving me was to control me; and as a result, I lost my voice and my sense of identity. It was safer to get lost inside myself.
Even at 2 years old, my father leaving was very painful and very traumatic for me. I stopped talking until my mother remarried on my 6th birthday, and my new father adopted us. I honestly believe to this day that the father that adopted my brother and me was the father that had left, and that is why I started talking again. I remember the exact day I emerged out of the “fog” that I was in, looking around and becoming more and more aware of my surroundings. I remember the moment when my mother told my brother and me at the age of 12 that my father wasn’t my biological father, because that was the moment I shut down on him.
I loved my adoptive father. He was an awesome father, and he would do anything in the world for us; however, I became very angry and felt that he was in the way of my biological father coming back. I felt growing up that I had to share my space with him and that I had no choice. From the age of 12 until I moved out of the house at 19 to get married, I felt trapped. Sadly, I felt like my father did not belong in our house. To this day, I value my sacred space, and I have difficulty sharing my space with a man. I was married at 19 and divorced at 21, and I felt trapped in that marriage as well. As a psychic, I focus on love and relationships, because I feel like it is my calling in life. I was put on this earth to help people with their childhoods and their relationships.
In my 20’s and 30’s, I chased men, because of all those feelings of rejection I experienced as a child. Somehow, in all the trauma and confusion, I became the strong woman that I was meant to be; and out of the loss and trauma of my life I evolved into the woman I am now – unique and one of a kind. If I knew then what I know now, I wonder how different my life would be. When I was younger, I was in my masculine all the time, and I chased after men actively pursuing them, Trying to get them into bed quickly, so that I could control them. In this way, I controlled who stayed in my space and who didn’t. I know now that the men that I tried to control and get physical with always left, because they felt manipulated. In doing that, I did not give them a chance to actively pursue me. I did not want to be responsible for my emotions and feelings. I didn’t want to be abandoned, and so I did the pursuing. I also dated men 20 to 30 years older then myself. I was looking for my father in these men.
I was in a short marriage to a man who I had fooled myself into thinking I was in love with him. I didn’t know what love was, and I did not know until I was going through my divorce what the feeling of being in love was. A couple months after my separation at 21 years old (I am now in my early 60’s), I met my first love. After my marriage, I did not trust my emotions, and so for many years I shut down not allowing myself to feel anything. When my first love, Ken, broke up with me, I regretted never having said I love you out loud to him; so for many many years, I was in my head until I met my second love in my late 40’s. It was then that I discovered the feeling of saying I love you out loud. It felt like air was finally flowing through my heart. Although the relationship did not work out, I felt like I had finally experienced the true total essence of being in love.
These days and for quite a long time now, I date men close to my own age, because I still prefer a youthful man who is active, playful and sexual. I have been giving my love life and my sex life to God and asking for divine order in my love life and sex life. Feeling heart connected while making love is a fabulous feeling, so I prefer to wait until I feel that heart connection. When a man comes to me and shows me that he wants to be with me and spend time with me, it feels amazing. The kids made fun of me all through school, so I felt alone.
Now I realize I was in my masculine. I have to catch myself at times, because I do not want to do the pursuing ever again. I want to experience that incredible feeling of feeliing wanted. Recently, I have been experiencing that feeling of being wanted and desired by a man I feel a soul filled friendship connection with, and I like it. I am just letting us BE and evolve into what is meant to be. I am declaring divine order in general for my love, sex and romantic life. I do not believe in controlling any income with a man. I am loving the experience of seeing some major shifts within myself. I am in a private facebook book club where we all read and worked through the book “Calling In The One”. That book was and still is life changing. As I am writing this, I am thinking WOW. I didn’t realize how much I shifted until just this second. I do believe I have become more emotionally available.
Thank you God for being with me on this very long journey to my real authentic self.