Last night, I programmed my dreams with my Dream Doula and my soul to work with me in my dreams to help me to give birth to whatever I have been repressing in my life. I also apologized to her from the night before for not recognizing her in my dream as the bird and the green flying insect. When I repressed my desire to have a baby when I was young, it was because of fear and great disappointment.  I have a sense that I also pushed down my potential for great love, abundance and prosperity, because of my feelings of not being worthy.

I also had a very strong desire to program my dreams with my first love and soul mate, Ken. He passed away many many ago; however, I only found out about 3 years ago about his passing. I just wanted to connect with him, talk to him and to say out loud to him “I love you”. I know that sounds strange, but I never knew what it felt like to say it to him. I was taught (by my mother) never to express my feelings and emotions, so I was too afraid to say it out loud to him. I repressed a lot of my feelings as a child, as a teenager and as a young adult. Now I am more open.  I say what I feel, but I sometimes question if I want to “feel” love. 

There were a few different fragments to my dream, but here is what I remember. In one dream fragment, I am in the center.  I have a strong feeling that someone is quietly holding my left hand, and it feels like someone is quietly holding my right hand; both are giving me love, comfort and support. The right side is the masculine side and the left side is the feminine. I strongly feel like my first love is on the right side, and that my Dream Doula is on the left side.

In my next dream fragment, it feels like I am having some kind of oral surgery. A female energy cuts my tongue. I said “Why did you cut my tongue”? She said “It was necessary”. I am asleep thinking I bit my tongue or someone bit my tongue. I mean, it hurt. It felt to me like a female energy. I am pretty sure that it was my mother who cut my tongue. She bit me on the hand a number of years ago in a dream soon after she died. Perhaps she did not find it necessary for me to communicate and express my feelings and emotions with my first love.

My mother was always telling me to keep it to myself and to not say what I feel. Everything had to be a secret to her. She never took my emotions and feelings seriously. I am now pretty clear about these dream segments. Experiencing what I experienced in my dreams showed me that my mother always tried to repress my emotions and feelings and even my sexual desires. I feel like my Dream Doula is helping me to heal the negative effects of my mother’s beliefs on me, so that I can live my life fully expressing and believing in my worth and my capacity for receiving greater love, abundance and prosperity. 

Thank you my Dream Doula, my Soul and the spirit of my first love. I am grateful to you.