When I was about 14  years ago, I had such a “real” dream that to this day 51 years later I still have never forgotten this dream. I have decided to share it and journal it in hopes of understanding it and coming to terms with it.

In my dream, I was in Israel. It felt so real that when I awakened from that dream, I felt like I had actually been to Israel. I was sitting on the back porch of a house. The back porch was cement with steps going down. The porch was very small, so I was sitting on the top step. My godparents, Louise and Dave, were with me; and I was in a white petticoat. I did not have any feelings about being there except that perhaps I was a little bit exposed in my white petticoat.

I wonder if I had chosen an alternate life from the one I lived, which was filled with sadness, shame, grief and isolation-an escape of sorts. I chose to take Louise and Dave with me on this dream journey. I think it is because I needed to escape from what I thought was  their belief and my mother’s belief of me- someone not so smart, and go somewhere far far away. That belief that I had to prove myself to them put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me to be perfect. I remember once right before this dream when my godparents took my brother and me away for the weekend (Murieta Springs in California). We were in the hotel room, and someone asked me the time. I froze. I could not remember how to tell the time for those few minutes. I felt that I had to prove to them that I was smart and that I was normal. I realize now that the white petticoat (which is not normally warn outside) is my inner most feelings about myself and how exposed, ashamed and embarrassed I felt. Now I finally understand the dream, and it only took 51 years to figure it out.

I did eventually when I was 23 or 24 visit Israel, but I felt no connection there.