I wrote this in June of 2013 in another blog; however, after blogging about Hairy Chests VS Smooth Chests, I felt like I needed to reblog it-especially since I have had some realizations since. this blog was posted. Here is what I blogged in June of 2013.
I woke up thinking about my first love who I met when I was 21. At that time he was 27.I am now 62. I hadn’t thought about him in years. His name was Ken Ladon, and I have never really loved anyone like I loved him. It made it difficult for me to connect with another man like I did with him, so I did a search for him yesterday, and found a Grant High School’s (North Hollywood, CA) reunion site that said that he had passed away. Someone had just posted that he passed away.
Today, I wrote to the gentleman that posted that Ken had passed away, and he wrote back saying that Ken had passed away at age 45. I had always questioned if he had loved me as I felt it remained unfinished between us. In 1990, when I was 39 years old and he was 45), I had a series of dreams (like 4-5) over a span of a few weeks in which his mom and sister were calling out to me, and Ken kept trying to either send me a message or tell me where he was.They were always the same dream. He kept pointing to an envelope. There was an address, but I couldn’t read it. I knew in the dream that someone had passed away, but I wasn’t sure who. Those dreams haunted me for a long time. I tried contacting his parents, but their number was disconnected. Today, ONLY 23 years later, I received my answer to that question that had been haunting me for years. In the dreams he was letting me know he had died. I was shocked, and I cried for hours. It felt like I had lost him again. It was then that I realized that he did love me. WOW!!!!
It is for me to love like there is no tomorrow and express my emotions to the fullest. I will never hide my feelings, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. In childhood, I was taught that my emotions weren’t real. After a marriage at 19 in which I talked myself into thinking I was in love just to get out of the house, I did not trust my emotions. I was so in love with Ken, but I was afraid to say “I love you’ to him out loud, and so I never did. After that, I went from my heart into my head in all future relationships. I numbed myself for years, because I didn’t know how it felt to say “I love you” out loud. I did somehow fall in love again at the age of 47; and although it didn’t work out in the end, I told him all the time that I loved him; and you know what, it felt like air was flowing through my heart everytime I said I love you to him. I believe that everytime I said I LOVEYOU to this second love, I was really saying I LOVE YOU to Ken. Currently, for the past few weeks,I have been seeing a hypnotherapist (and in fact I had a session today), and it’s funny that the universe brings things to the surface to resolve.
BACK TO THE PRESENT – March 2014
Since posting this in June of 2013 and since realizing Ken had passed away, I have noticed in the shift with my physical preferences for the men I date. First of all, the realization that Ken loved me and had not forgotten me, helped me alot. Until that moment, it had ALWAYS remained unfinished for me. I was ALWAYS looking for him in other men. Hairy chests, as I wrote in my previous blog, were my way of holding on to my first love (Ken). I was not attracted to smooth chested men. The realization that he had loved me and never forgotten me helped me to finally release him. Now it doesn’t matter whether they have hairy chests or not. When he first ended the relationship, I had a series of dreams (4-5) in which I was in a public shower with him. Fog surrounded us, and we were happy and in love. Then he left. I was still in the public shower, but I was crying and miserable. In the dream, it seemed like many years would go by before I would find that happiness and love in the shower again. That dreams haunted me for many years.